social icons

Spiritual Enlightenment

For most of my life, I sought to survive, a quest to find answers to "Why am I the way I am. What is the meaning of mental illness. When isLifee worthy of being lived in madness mentally? When to find peace of Mind?"


The past years it seems I gained some critical life insights on some of those questions. I found a church that recognize mental illness and they have a program called HeartSync that helps people like me. They said DID is not illness. It's a gift from God to help me survive and cope with traumas. The multiple personalities are referred to as my "Parts." I mam the True Self part living in the present time and whenever there is a traumatic situation a Part take control but that Part is held in captivity traps in time of their traumas in the past. The major trouble within my Mind is finding out not all of them know who God is. I applied what I know from HeartSync for my own healing. I learned I can now intentionally engage and systematically work with each of my Parts in order to resolve their conflicts, spiritual assignments, and bring them into wholehearted loving relationship with God. With the peaceful Mind, the bridge of harmony that needs to be established between my Parts will lead me, the True Self, to the ultimate goal of life: love and happiness. 


Little did the doctors realize that I was taking Part in some spiritual awakening process, which at times mimicked psychosis but actually was an experience of a far different order. I knew without a doubt that I was going through a profound spiritual experience; no one could possibly convince me otherwise; this was the key that saved my sanity.


The experiences and realizations were so mind-blowing that at specific points, I was having trouble "keeping it together," as my whole personality structure was melting and disintegrating, all towards some mysterious, unknown destination where everything was clearly being integrated into a higher and more psychoactive center. Often my actions looked from the outside like typical psychotic behavior. It was, I'm sure, a challenging and problematic situation for those closest to me, as they couldn't understand what I was going through, as it was so far off their map of reality. I was bought into the doctor's diagnosis that I had a mental illness or was demon-possessed, as this was their way of "explaining" what was happening to me that fit into their minimal, comfortable view of the world. From my point of view, I was realizing, or should I say, it was being revealed to me that every moment was the unmediated expression of God. 


During these experiences, I met and intimately connected with some of the nicest enlightened people who became my Sisters-In-Christ, mentors, and guides. True miracles, completely impossible experiences, stuff that could only happen in dreams, began happening.


This is the difference between someone who is genuinely mentally ill, who could be said to be drowning in the stormy ocean of the unconscious, compared to an accomplished mystic, who is nurtured and nourished by swimming, surfing, and snorkeling in the healing waters of their psyche. This is not to say that there is not something called mental illness. I wonder how many cases of mental illness are actually spiritual emergencies gone sour. I need to recognize the existence of genuine spiritual emergences and learn to differentiate them from experiences of psychosis. Of course, another great danger, which I can talk about from personal experience, is to wind up in the clutches of and be diagnosed and medicated by the medical and psychiatric community, who typically have no understanding of phenomena such as spiritual emergencies. I've been able to see the perfection of all that has happened. I now understand that all the trials God put me through were an aspect of the awakening; they were Part of my journey to the supernatural world. There is a sense of accepting and embracing whatever has happened in my life, realizing it is all an initiation into the more profound mystery of my infinite and magical being.


Read more »

Tina Forever in Two Realms



Tina visited me in the Supernatural World. 


She told me to tell her family she is sorry for leaving. She loves all of you. She told me she wants everyone to be strong for her because she is in a good place, resting in peace. I was utterly mesmerized by the sound of her voice, so angelic. Seeing her was a beautiful sight to behold. She was a vision of loveliness, and I was enchanted by the peaceful look on her face. She told me, "don't forget to tell them I will always be in their heart." Then she floated up and slowly faded into the light. The magical moment was over. Then, it really hit me. She is gone. I woke up. I realized it was a dream, and I wanted to go back to sleep just so I could see Tina again. I tried, but the dream never came back again. Tina's message is to trust that she is at peace and for us to accept this and move on. One of her gifts to us was always to give us strength. So we must be strong for her and continue living a good life because that's what she would have wanted. I know we will all miss Tina, but let's celebrate her life and remember all her sweet memories. We need to hold onto those moments. That's how she would like to be remembered. She wouldn't want it any other way.   

Tina left the Natural World. In this realm, we cherish all her memories.


Tina was a very special friend of mine. She was the most precious person I know. Tina had a kind soul with an overly generous heart. I was Tina's caregiver for the last 3 months after her car accident. I cared for her and got to know her side that not many people see. On the outside she was very strong-will but yet so vulnerable inside. Tina always told me how much she loved her family regardless of their differences. Her kids were everything to her. She said, "I'm still their mom no matter what." There was no doubt that Tina loved all her kids very much. No matter how busy Tina is, she always finds time to listen and lend support. And even when she was tired, she ensured she was always there for us. There were times when I couldn't sleep. It didn't matter at 1 or 3 in the morning. Tina was there to talk to me. She never minded me texting her all night until the sun comes up. That was how kind and caring she was. Not only that, Tina has an extraordinary talent for making you feel special. I came over to her house to hang out. I joked about what do sober people do for fun? She laughed and said, "Let's dance!" She turned on the music and started dancing. I was like, "no way I can't dance." So the whole night, she kept trying to teach me the snake dance she was infamous for, but I was stiff like a board. It was hilarious and so much fun. That night was very special. It was just me and her. Another time when I came over in my gym clothes with no makeup. She opened the door, laughed, and said, "Girl, it's your birthday. I'm not letting you go out like that. You're getting a makeover." She hired a friend to do my hair and makeup and made me change into a dress, then took me out to dinner and dancing. She was the sweetest. One of Tina's gifts to us was always to give us strength. Between the two of us, she was always the stronger one. Her life could be chaotic, but she never wore it on her face; she would focus on the lighter side of things and taught me to do the same. I vowed to be stronger and try harder to get healthier for her because I know that's what she would have wanted. Do you know what Tina would often say to me? "There is always more in life to be thankful for than there is to complain about. Just be strong and don't give up in life." I know we will all miss Tina, but let's celebrate her life and remember all her sweet memories. We need to hold onto those moments. We have to believe Tina is at peace now. That's how she would like to be placed. She wouldn't want it any other way. 

                                        Tina, I miss you. I love you. RIP, my special friend.

Read more »

Spiritual Retreat




I was encouraged by people at Giver of Life Church and my family to go to the 3-Days Spiritual Retreat Encounter hosted by Pastor Selena, coordinated by Sister Florence, and the one who keeps the show running is Pastor Geno.  

A spiritual retreat is a time set apart to be in quiet, rest, and solitude with God. It will take you close to God and your soul. Retreats remove us from noise and distraction into a spiritually refreshing and renewing place. It is a way of entering into the presence of God and allowing him to nourish our souls. 
 
At Encounter, we teach each other things when we come together in fellowship. We shared our testimony and personal spiritual experiences. God gives us a gift of learning and growing when we come together in fellowship. We show each other how to live as God wants us to live and how to walk in His footsteps. We have a place to fellowship at Encounter. According to the Bible, if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin. Fellowship is an essential part of our faith. Coming together to support one another is an experience that allows us to learn, gain strength, and show the world precisely what God is. There was lots of teaching of the word of God. We listened to Pastor Selena's powerful teaching throughout the day. Pastor Selena teaches us about God's character and His will for our lives through scripture.
 
Worship is vital to us. Worship is not about emotion. It is more about a recognition of a God. Christian worship involves praising God in music. There was a lot was praying, singing, and dancing. Some of us were filled with The Holy Spirit that they burst out speaking in tongue. The Holy Spirit touched us in a particularly unique way when we received it spiritually. 

According to Colossians 3:16
"Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God."
 
I have noticed that people physically fall onto the ground when they encounter God. I have seen this many times at Encounter — and then I experienced it myself. I can tell you. The experience was real. We watched the Passion of Christ, the part when Jesus was whipped to death. He was tortured and got nailed to the cross. Pastor Selena placed the nail into my palm. I felt a supernatural pain traveling from my hands to all over my body, it knocked me out, and I fell. I was lying on the ground until I woke up crying. I felt the power of God come on me. 
 
During the three days at Encounter, I felt relaxed and renewed. I'm feeling stronger. I feel calmer. I feel relaxed. I have a quiet mind. It was fantastic. I slept well for two nights straight without medications only because I couldn't keep it down. My body seems to reject it, making me throw up. Coincidentally, Pastor Selena placed her hand on my head and prayed over me during the praying time. I started coughing and gagging in the bag. I wanted to vomit. The spiritual cause of vomiting is a physical expression of rejection, and I believe my medications are being rejected. I pray God keeps healing me every day and in every way. I don't want to pop pills. I know to be well is to keep sleeping every night, and I want to attempt this without medications when I return home. Jesus will help me get through detoxing my body from all the antipsychotic and mood stabilizer medications. I have to believe in Jesus to answer this specific prayer of mine. To be free from medications.  
 
During the praying time, I was able to reflect on Jesus. He kept intervening when there were times I used to feel so insane in my head when I lost touch with reality. I doubt my faith. It was scary. However, Jesus loves me so much even when I keep denying Him. The voices in my head messed up my belief and affected my thinking negatively. It's hard to love myself when my head is chaotic. I fearfully tell myself I don't deserve His love because I have sinned. Whenever I see Jesus's light, I run the opposite way. But Jesus is relentless because the more I refuse, the more He comes closer. He is calm. He is patient. He is AWESOME with his undying love. 
 
When I struggle with myself, I repeat this verse whenever I feel self-hatred in John 15:12-13 
"My command is this: Love yourself and each other as I have loved you."
 
According to the Bible, there very clearly is a universal love of God for all of mankind, both saved and unsaved. We are all made in His image, and He loves us. God also shows his love of beneficence to all creation, an expression of his goodness. I must remember this. 
 
I hear God speak to my heart. The retreat is just the beginning of a journey with God and our soul and everlasting friendships with people who share the exact spiritual needs and interests. I left the retreat filled with love and joy. 
 
I feel that the healing at Encounter was remarkable – I have been working toward healing some ancient mental health issues for a long time. Nonetheless, I believe I got set free from my mental illnesses. After three days, we left the retreat, and now I'm back home with new positive energy and a new mindset. I have received God by faith. 
 
The Bible said, "The Word of God makes it clear that faith, or believing God's Word, brings results and that we receive from the Lord by faith."
 
Amen, Lord! I'm hungry to receive more of You, whatever that means and whatever that looks like in every situation!

The whole experience at Encounter was AMAZING!!!!!! 



















Read more »

Preview: The Unquiet Mind

My second book is coming soon! 

The Unquiet Mind

Chapter 1: Seeking for Truth
Chapter 2: The Spiritual Battle in the Mind and Body
Chapter 3: Why am I the way I am
Chapter 4: Chemical Imbalance in the Brain 
Chapter 5: Disorder of the Spitting Mind
Chapter 6: The Divine Rescue from Madness
Chapter 7: Healing from HeartSync
Chapter 8: Spiritual Power of the Heart in the Brain 
Chapter 9: Beautiful Gift for the Divided Heart
Chapter 10: Unforgettable Devine Encounter 
Chapter 11: The Divided Heart Find Love Again
Chapter 12: Forces of Cosmic Darkness
Chapter 13: Brain Science of Emotional Healing
Chapter 14: Unity of the Body, Mind, and Heart
Chapter 15: Fear No More
Chapter 16: The Sign of the Ultimate Love

Read more »

Finished Reading Bible Book Of Romans



I read the Book of Romans twice and yet I still haven't memorized everything but I love to document all the verses in the Bible. I can always go back to this post and keep reading it repeatedly. I have many questions, so I hope my spiritual mentor, who read this, can help, give me her perspective, and share her teaching with me. 

As I read, I sat under the Word of God, not stand over it. I was reading every text in the book's flow as a whole. The Book of Romans tells us about God, who He is, and what He has done. It tells us of Jesus Christ and what His death accomplished. It was not an easy book to read, and I tried to understand it. Based on everything I read in the Book Of Romans, I wrote down all the verses I liked. I highlighted it in the Bible, too. Writing this blog is for me to read it over to reflect on it, share it, and discuss it with my pastor so she can explain each verse. I like so many verses, and I will quote them all down.

IT'S SO AMAZING! All these verses in the Book of Romans resonated with me profoundly. I have my eyes opened by the Holy Spirit to understand what is written. As God’s Word to his people, the Bible exists to be read and understood by anyone. This is not to say such reading and understanding are easy, but I am beginning to understand more! My heart is spiritually alive! I feel like I am born again by the Spirit of God.

Romans 1:7-12 "Grace and peace to you from God our Father and from the Lord Jesus Christ. First, I thank my God through Jesus Christ for all of you because your faith is being reported worldwide. God, whom I serve in my spirit in preaching the gospel of his Son, is my witness how constantly I remember you in my prayers at all times; and I pray that now, at last, by God's will, the way may be opened for me to come to you. I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong-- that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith."

Romans 2:5-7 "But because of your stubbornness and unrepentant heart, you are storing up wrath against yourself for the day of God's wrath, when his righteous judgment will be revealed. God will repay each person according to what they have done. To those who by persistence in doing good seek eternal life."

Romans 3:25 "God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of his blood--to be received by faith...."

Romans 4:21 " ....God had the power to do what he promised."

Romans 4:25 "He was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification."

Romans 5:1-5 "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. We also glory in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance, character, character, and hope. And hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

Romans "Death Through Adam, Life Through Christ"

Romans 6:8-10 "Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God."

Romans 6:22 "But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, resulting in eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 7:21 "So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. In my inner being, I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I am a slave to the law of sin."

Romans 8:6-9 " The mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. This mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God. You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you."

Romans 8:14-16 "For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not enslave you to live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him, we cry, Father. The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children."

Romans 8:20-21 "For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in the hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God."

Romans 8:26-27 "....the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit because the Spirit intercedes for God's people by the will of God."

Romans 8:34 ".....Christ Jesus who died -- more than that, who was raised to life -- is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us."

Romans 9:19-21 "...For who can resist his will? But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, Why did you make me like this? Does not the potter have the right to make some pottery from the same lump of clay for special purposes and some for common use?"

Romans 10:3 "...they did not know the righteousness of God and sought to establish their own, they did not submit to God's righteousness."

Romans 10:9-10 "If you declare with your mouth, Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. With your heart, you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved."

Romans 10:13 ".....Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."

Romans 10:17 "....faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word about Christ."

Romans 10:20 "....I was found by those who did not seek me; I revealed myself to those who did not ask for me."

Romans 10:21 "....All day long I have held out my hands to a disobedient and obstinate people."

Romans 11:18 "....You do not support the root, but the root supports you."

Romans 12:1-2 "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, given God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God--this is our true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will."

Romans 12:6-17 "We have different gifts, according to the grace given to us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy by your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully. Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone."

Romans 12:18 "....live at peace with everyone."

Romans 12:21 "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

Romans 13:1 "Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God."

Romans 14:5 "....Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind."

Romans 14:8 "If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, we belong to the Lord, whether we live or die."

Romans 14:13-14 "....make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister. Being fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus, I am convinced that nothing is unclean in itself...."

Romans 14:16-18 "....do not let what you know is good be spoken of as evil. For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit, because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and receives human approval."

Romans 15:3-4 "...The insults of those who insult you have fallen on me. For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide, we might have hope."

Romans 15:6 "....one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ."

Roman 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Romans 15:17-19 "...I glory in Christ Jesus in my service to God. I will not venture to speak of anything except what Christ has accomplished through me in leading the Gentiles to obey God by what I have said and done--by the power of signs and wonders, through the power of the Spirit of God."

Romans 15:30 "....by our Lord Jesus Christ and by the love of the Spirit, to join me in my struggle by praying to God for me."

Romans 16:17 "I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them."

Romans 16:20 "The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. The Grace of our Lord Jesus is with you."

Romans 16:25-27 "Now to him who can establish you by my gospel, the message I proclaim about Jesus Christ, in keeping with the revelation of the mystery hidden for long ages past, but not revealed and made known through the prophetic writings by the command of the eternal God, so that all the Gentiles might come to the obedience that comes from faith--to the only wise God be glory forever through Jesus Christ!

"I believe God will heal me."
                 - Lena  







Read more »

HeartSync: Synchronizing My Parts to God

HeartSync is about healing through synchronizing broken and divided hearts. This is about how we developed emotional self-awareness and integrated ourselves into resolving conflicts and freeing ourselves. HeartSync helped clarify many things for me, like learning to take out negative emotions from an unwanted feeling onto something else that is less threatening. This refers as remove and replacing. According to HeartSync, synchronizing my "Parts" with me, the True Self, and God results in an amazing spiritual connection with one's God-given identity. The corresponding experiences enhance my spiritual encounters.


Baby "the Heart & Inner Child"
I got triggered by a vision. I had seen a baby on the ground covered with blood. I freaked out so much and was in a bipolar episode before I knew it. Luckily, I remember what my psychologist told me what to do when something like this happened. I envision myself returning to the Baby, picking her up, cleaning the blood on her body, and then putting clothes on her. The crying stopped. Then I got triggered by a double vision. I had seen a baby sitting on the floor next to a wooden shape sorter box toy. There were six pieces of different shapes around her. I saw her trying to put the pieces in the box, but the parts kept changing into various forms. I watched the Baby as she screamed in frustration.


I cried out to God about what to do. The Baby and I were in a room that suddenly got so bright like a light switch turned on. I knew what to do. I took away the pieces the Baby was holding and, picking her up, walked towards the bright light. There sat God on a throne. I put the Baby on God's lap and gave her a Rubik's cube to play with. I said to her, "We are no longer shapes. We are colors now. This cube has six colors. What color are we, use this to figure us out." Astonishingly, as she was playing with her new toy, I felt her pain gradually go away. I know the Baby is safe with God. That was it. Isn't this so bizarre, but it worked. The Baby and I felt at peace. The power of visualization really works.

Beast "the Protector"
I recall returning to how Beast became more than just a voice. As a child, I was often a loner who didn't talk much, trying to cope with what I saw at night and what I heard inside my head. I kept it a secret, so scared people would find out how psychotic I was as a kid. I was once an abandoned little girl when my mom took off, leaving my brothers and me to be raised by my aunt, who suffered from mental illness. She had to take care of seven kids on her own. She was very strict with me and often showed me tough love by hitting. Beast helped me endure the pain. I don't feel alone at night having her with me. She chases away the dark shadows that always come after me and teaches me how to desensitize all my fears.

As an adult, I felt the Beast's presence is always there but very faintly. Speaking about this took me back to the past of my first marriage. The marriage was volatile and traumatic. The breaking point was when my ex did something that made me snap, and I cried out, losing my mind. Beast took control for the first time and reacted to the situation. I saw a vision. She grabbed the wall mirror, and with all her rage, she hit my ex's face with it. Fast forward to the present day, I found out my ex reached out to Nathan and Darin. I was shocked. This deadbeat has been absent from my son's life for 20 years. I asked Nathan about it, but he didn't want to talk about it. Of course, I forced it.

Nathan said he didn't respond, blocked the number, and showed me the text message. I lost my mind when I read the part "why you not responding to me. NO RESPECT" Oh hell no. At that critical moment, I switched to Beast and felt her next to me for the first time while still present. I saw a vision in my head of her angrily grabbing the mirror because she wanted to hit the deadbeat again. I mentally held Beast back. David saw me struggling to contain my body from the quick jerking movements like having a seizure. Not knowing how to explain, I was trying to hold Beast back. He pulled me into our room, away from the kids, that was when Beast completely took control, and I disappeared. Something happened. I can't recall it, but it was swift. When I was present again, I saw David's horrified expression, then he fell down to his knees and cried out to God for help. David said he knew he was talking to me, but it wasn't me talking back to him. He was petrified. He wouldn't tell me more and said to forget about it. He told me everything was ok now. This led me to ask my other Part, the Observer. It turned out Beast said she hates the deadbeat and he will never be our dad; then I got confused when Beast asked David if he was her dad.

I cried out to God to show me what this all means. I experienced another vision. I was in a room with Beast. I saw her holding the mirror as her weapon to fight. Suddenly there was an explosion of bright light, and Beast fell to her knees, ready to take off to run away from the light like she always does. She is terrified of the light every time she encounters it. I quickly grabbed her and hugged her close. I saw myself giving her a pair of sunglasses to wear, making the light less harsh. I removed the mirror from her hands and softly said, "God is your father, and you don't need this anymore." I felt God's presence reaching out to us from behind me and saw his outreach hand. I pulled Beast up. "Next time, reach for your father's hand right here" We finally connected with God. Beast and I felt the chain that held us in captivity for a very long time finally break, and we were released.

Doctor "the Verbal Logical Explainer"
I grew up in SoCal. As an eight-year-old girl, I already know what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be a doctor. I know something is wrong with me, and I want to fix myself. I love playing Doctor, but I have no one to play with, so the shadows I see around me are my patients. Don't laugh at me, but it's true. Living with my cousins, I had to take care of them, and I would act like they were my patients, but they cried too much, so it wasn't fun. When I'm alone, especially at night, the shadows appear, and I trained myself to not be scared because I'm the Doctor with superpowers, so shadows were the best patient using my imagination to deal with them. When I was a kid, I used to get punished when I was caught reading a book. The Doctor helped me endure this unfair treatment, and I let her go on explaining things to me why and how to desensitize my mind redirecting it to be somewhere else and mentally remove myself to leave where I was at getting beaten up by becoming dissociated. The Part loves reading, studying, and taking notes because she loves learning and explaining them. Early on, there was an unspoken need to find an antidote that always haunted us. I always believed all doctors know this. I have a funny memory of my guy friends who always asked me to do their book reports. This was the Doctor's favorite thing to do at night when she didn't sleep, and no one knew about it. The Doctor was very much in control in situations that had to do academically. I knew this, so I would cry out to her for help. In high school, my favorite teacher was Mr.Stanley in biology class. I get extra credit for the extra notes taking. He even wrote in my binder A++, boosting the Doctor's ego and making her head bigger. I hear this Part telling me to become a doctor after high school, that dreams never happened when I was forced to move up to NorCal. The Doctor went into hibernation when I was 16 years old, living a new life in a new city under a new name Lena.

I believe this Part came back during a psychiatric evaluation because I had filed a claim with the Social Security Administration. I don't know, remember everything that had happened. It was traumatic because I was experiencing psychosis symptoms that I could not explain, and I was a complete mess talking to the 3rd party psychologist who was examing me. It made me feel belittled, and I couldn't handle the situation, so the Doctor took over. I received total disability benefits, which caused the Doctor to melt down because this means she is officially mentally ill. She was in denial for the longest time, trying to prove that she was not. This scared the living daylight out of me but concreting the Doctor's role.

The reality, I can't be a doctor, so I'll be a nurse. I was in nursing school, and the Doctor was entirely forced into control of me. I had many manic attacks, not sleeping for days to study; when it was the day to take the test, I had a mental fight between her and the bipolar. On the day of taking the final, I had a tough time getting up and going to school. I stood in my room holding my head with both hands and trying to talk to David, but I couldn't get a word out. I shook uncontrollably. My body twisted into unusual postures like a contortionist freaking David out. I have a Part don't want to go and another Part that is determined to go. Finally, I got through to talk to David and asked him to drive me to school because it was the final test. In the car, I became dissociated, and the Doctor took over to take the test, and she aced it and got a 100. This kept happening, and I was in the same cycle throughout nursing school until I crashed into a severely deep depression state where I could not function anymore and had to leave the nursing program, and this was traumatizing. The Doctor gets fixated on fixing things in my brain. She is obsessed with finding the "cure" to the point of insanity. She would do the same thing and be oblivious to the same outcome each time, which never stopped her from fixing herself. She questions everything and looks for other explanations when she is not satisfied. The Doctor wants to find a connection and reason for everything that had happened over the past 7 years. There must be a scientific explanation for my illnesses, and a spiritual explanation for all the exorcisms I had experienced that drove her crazy and unreasonable.

The Lord intervened, giving me the gift of clarity to help the Doctor. Faith brought me to HeartSync, and they explained it all. There is a scientific and spiritual explanation. The concept of brain synchronization or normal integrative functions between different areas of the brain highlights the brain's ability to do more than one thing at a time. It is evidenced in the Parts often holding various aspects of memory which can be divided into different types of memory for each individual Part. Between the Part of the heart that functions and the Part that houses unresolved emotional pain, tremendous conflict often exists between Parts. The Function Part of the heart is predominantly left-brain functions, while the Emotion Part is understood to be a right-brain function. The Guardian is perceived to correlate most to the amygdala, which interfaces between the right brain and the left brain and comprises the function known as the "verbal logical explainer." This scientific description makes sense because this is what the Doctor is about. I must seek more of HeartSync because I have to give my permission to pray for an infilling of the Holy Spirit and ask Jesus to escort us to a pain-free environment He has prepared for us.

Luna "the Emotion Keeper"
I remember being a scared little girl, afraid to make someone sad or angry. I didn't know what mood swings meant back then when I was growing up. There were times when I felt so sad and couldn't understand it. The feeling was intolerable that killing myself was always in my thoughts, even as a child and growing up as an adult. As a kid, I cried in the dark, wishing for someone to take away the pain. That was when I heard Luna's voice inside my head. She told me don't be afraid and taught me to befriend the boogie man. With Luna around, I was drawn to watching horror movies to cope and learned to deal with the monsters I see in my nightmares. I have Luna take away the bad memories and lock them away. Luna tried very hard to suppress everyone's emotions and thoughts when our system malfunctioned. She is the keeper who holds the traumatic and painful memories, which she finds challenging to let go of and remain unconscious to these memories until they overwhelm her. She carries the massive burden of having to talk about many of everyone's feelings, so she would text and write nonstop when her mind was consumed with racing thoughts. Coping and comforting all the Parts during depression is her strength, and she usually takes over during psychotic episodes. When an episode had passed, and I reread all the texts she wrote to others, I would often get outraged and yell at her for being weak and needy. It embarrassed Luna. This makes her shut down, but whenever I have psychosis and can't deal with it, Luna takes control. All these years, I hurt Luna.

I prayed to God to make me see straight beyond my own pains to learn to empathize and show compassion. God took away my tunnel vision. Self-realization makes me know that I am the wrong one. Luna has become a pillar of strength instead of a delusional liability. She is a source of power instead of a source of pity. Luna and I decided to love God and what He was doing in my life. I allowed my life to see greatness instead of adversity. After all, was said and done, God was gracious enough to show me my purpose. From what I knew, I was living for something and would not give up. The spirit of God had encouraged my heart, and I was sure that greatness was coming my way. I realized that I was different because God wanted me that way. All that time, the most challenging part of the adversity was mental alignment. I was recovering from a negative mentality through the inspiration of God. It was clear to me that the level of life and destiny we live is primarily a part of our mentality. It was made clear to me that if I dealt with my mind, I could possibly overcome any challenge. At this moment, I realized that complete healing was in God's hands, and I was relieved. I programmed my mind to focus on my life as if I had never been ill.

I got encouraged that God was never met by my issue through a surprise. He knew it all and was in the process of preparing me for an extraordinary destiny. Although the healing has not occurred entirely, Luna and I are sure it will end in victory. Listen to Luna, who always has been a Part who is always a "downer," encouraging me to become a pillar of hope to others. Thank you, Luna! Always remember that it is darker before dawn, and the intensity of darkness promotes the glory of light! In that case, I can confidently encourage you that you will win and shine in the name of Jesus Christ!

Lola "Dominate One"
I got pregnant at 17 years old. I was only a kid and had to find a job to support my family. I remember Lola took control at my first job interview. I'm different at home, and I'm different when I leave to work. Being at work, I turned into someone else, not the pushover everyone sees me as. However, Lola's sense of self-empowerment was severely damaged when she woke up after having a mental breakdown, resulting in quitting her job. She doesn't know who did it. She knows for sure it wasn't her making that decision. She feels very hateful towards all the Parts, including me. She was very resentful when I got pushed to get professional help and had difficulty accepting treatment from my psychiatrist and psychologist. Lola is always against taking psychiatric medication. She flipped out when the doctors said I needed medication to feel well and be mentally stable. Because of her, I am unable to consistently take medications. Her problem runs more profound, like self-medicating to appear high functioning to the rest of the world. She is the one who refuses to sleep. She feeds off the extreme energy from being bipolar mania. She would often be self-triggered to be manic because she is addicted to the intense high euphoria feeling from the mania episodes that keep her awake for days. That's her version of the medication that works for her. She doesn't care how demented it sounds. She never considers herself an angel. She only knows what she was created to do — to fight and must succeed at no cost. Every time she experienced an exorcism that happened at church was traumatizing, and it exposed her weakness. She has so much animosity from being called a "demon."

I prayed to God to save us before Lola killed us from her madness. God answered my prayer and guided my Doctor, and we found what worked for me, especially Lola. I believe the combination of Zyprexa injection, an antipsychotic medication to help suppress the bipolar psychosis symptoms, and Lithium, a mood stabilizer medication, to help balance the chemical in my brain to keep me grounded. Lola has been lying low and quietly. I don't feel her wanting to take control as much as she used to. This proves that medication, the proper medication, does work. It just needed time and finding the correct dosage for the medicines to full effect. Having Lola come to a consensus about taking medications daily matters most. The medicines also prove it doesn't make Lola as stupid as she once felt, and, together with God's help, she managed my weight and did not let the side effects negatively affect me. I have my sleeping routine down. Everything is under control.

Lola doesn't have to fight over this anymore. I asked God to soften her heart by understanding what had happened to her was not her fault and that she was not demon-possessed. I told Lola what I learned from HeartSync. The Holy Spirit prompted her to come front and center so that she captively could be set free in God's eye. It is not unusual for people to describe manifestations of emerging Parts as an attack of the enemy or demonic infestation requiring deliverance. They are not trained or educated to help us accurately, but what had happened was not done intentionally; we all agreed it did more damage than good but to forgive all because it was no one's fault. I prayed to God, the Spirit of Fear, and the Spirit of Condemnation to leave Lola because the conflict is resolved, and Lola is synchronized with our Father God. Praised the Lord when Lola said she believed in God.

Dao "the Extended Rescue Part"
I refer to this Part as Dao, the same birth name I used growing up in Riverside down SoCal. Dao is the Part that rescued all of us; she is the Part I want to understand more about. She is a people pleaser who loves doing everything for everyone. She has a gift for caring for others because it gives her a sense of love she doesn't feel she gets. She finds it rewarding to make life easy for everyone because she always seeks approval. She has difficulty talking to people; instead, let her entertain you. Her existence is critical because she takes control in extreme life-or-death situations. Dao is stuck living in the past, constantly feeling miserable and deeply hurt by something someone has said or done that she held on to and can't let go of. She compensates by pleasing and helping others in need of her care to help her forget her hurts. She is a broken-hearted that needs healing on an intense level. I pray to God that he opens my eyes, heart, and mind to how I can help this Part of me. I hope I can comprehend what she is all about, and I want to find a way to give her a sense of peace and harmony. DID people often have layers of extended parts created through a single traumatic event. She was designed to take over the trauma that did not result in her childhood and was not created by the inner child. I must try to reconcile her pains and hurts.

Let me explain and share how she went above and beyond in the name of love. She was never to blame for what happened. We were just a child, and no child could ever be responsible for such a thing. But thanks to Dao for holding this pain all these years. I remember being at a party and drinking. I got drunk, and this older guy I know really likes me took me back to his place. He just said the magic words to me, letting down my guards, and I let him take me away because he said, "I will take care of you." That night, I knew what was happening but was too numb to do anything, but I silently screamed inside my head. I desperately needed someone to take care of me. I ran away from home being on my own, and that was what I was looking for.

What happened that horrible night was date-raped by a faceless guy. Dao came to my rescue and took control to endure the trauma of losing my virginity in an awful way to a guy I don't even care for. Dao took that memory away from me so I could survive and continue living my life. Even though I was on my own as a 16-year-old runaway. This is why Dao can't see anything beyond her suffering and doesn't know who God is. I prayed for God to cast out the Spirit of Confusion that has blinded Dao all these years. With the Holy Spirit's help, she and I seek our Father to resolve any conflict and make it right with her. I can now sense her at peace, and her heart is filled with love.

Observer "the Silent Watcher"   
After a traumatic spiritual encounter at the church, I lost memories of what had happened because many Parts came out and took control, causing my mind to go chaotic. I cried out in pain for someone to tell me what happened to me. I was lost and confused being in the dark. My mind created a sub-divided Part who is the Observer. When I become dissociated, she is there to see everything in motion from above and saves the memories. She is the watcher. The Observer deliberately detaches from my mind, and consciousness can function separately. She has a ghost-like replica of my body and scans to travel after leaving my body. I feel like having an out-of-body experience when she comes out floating above as she watches the event unfold and is there to see everything. 

Thank you, Father. I am Lena, the True Self, and I speak for all -- let go, let us move on, receive forgiveness, and together we accept God's love. I'm out of the darkness from ignorance, fear, pain, and unhappiness. I see myself in the light of life, signifying knowledge and happiness. Through faith, I'm given a spirit of power, love, and discipline, so I have nothing to fear. I have God's promise to strengthen me to be confident that he'll see me through even the darkest days. God gives me the power to face whatever is in front of me at the moment. All I need is God's love, and there's no need to look for explanations and validation. All glory to God.



  

Read more »

Finished Reading Bible Book of Genesis



I learned how we were created, the origins of sin and its fallout, and how to best relate to God – through obedience and trust. There are four characters are the most important ones for us to know about:


God—is the creator of heaven and Earth, including the humans Adam and Eve. God formed a man and gave him the garden in Eden, except for the tree of good and evil. Adam was alone, so God made a woman his partner. The serpent deceived the woman. She and Adam ate from the tree. The ground was cursed, and God sent Adam and Eve out of the garden. God makes all things "very good," but when humans and divine beings rebel against God, the world slips back into chaos. Humankind corrupted the Earth with evil. God decided to destroy them. The humans rebel against God, bringing a curse on the world and growing so violent that God destroys everyone but Noah and his family. He told Noah to build an ark to be saved from the flood. God is still at work to get the world back to "excellent" status again—and chooses to begin this work through a man God names Abraham.


Abraham—a man whom God chooses as the patriarch of a special nation. This is crucial for understanding the biblical story: God's plan is to rescue rebellious humanity and his entire world through Abraham's family. Abraham's family would then become the carrier of the original blessing and vocation given to humanity in the garden. Through Abraham's family, every nation on Earth might one day be blessed by being reconnected to God and returning to his original calling for humans. Abraham journeys through the land of Canaan, which God promises to give to Abraham's descendants. God makes a covenant (a special binding agreement) with Abraham.


Jacob—Abraham's grandson. From birth, Jacob lives up to the meaning of his name, "deceiver." Jacob tricks his father and brother, finagling his way into receiving a special blessing. He tricks his now-blind father into giving him the family inheritance and blessing that should have been given to his older brother, Esau. 


The pattern we'll trace in this movement is blessing and curse, and it focuses on God's invitation to both experience real life and steward his blessing for the rest of creation. But when humans ignore and abuse God's blessing, they bring about the curse, which refers to the negative consequences that come with opposing the blessing.


Joseph—Jacob's favorite son, who has prophetic dreams of greatness. His brothers sell him into slavery, but through his God-given wisdom, he ascends to second-in-command over all of Egypt. He is also able to interpret other people's dreams.


Humans continue to act selfishly and do what is good in their own eyes. But God is not going to leave the world to its own devices. He said his creation is "good" at the beginning of the story, and here at the end, we see that God brings about his good purposes even in the midst of human evil. He remains faithful and determined to bless people despite their failures.

Read more »

Dissociative Identity Disorder: Meet My Parts

DID was the result of my early childhood trauma, and something I once thought was an illness developed, but now I learned it is a gift from God as a way for me to fight to survive and cope with trauma by using the self-protective defense of dissociation. In movies and TV shows, switches between alternate identities tend to be wildly exaggerated for dramatic effect. Is this real? For me, switching between alters can't be identified by a casual observer. When I am switching, hardly no one can tell.


Baby: she had a near-death experience that caused the splitting of her mind, and a divided heart can create sub-divided Parts. She is called the inner child, who must be protected at all costs. She is the one who activates what Part comes out to handle the trauma or stressful situations. I can't sleep because I always hear her cry inside my head throughout the night. She was crying because what she once knew was now broken, and she didn't know what to do with her pain. 


Beast: I referred to her as Beast, but she likes to be called Lion in my book. She is the protector and also a rebel. On good days she represents the fierceness of the Great Lion and protection. On bad days she loves to drink and party. She is the first one to step up and fight when in need. She gets very defensive and irritated easily. She is still living with the terrors of what happened at the church. She only knows how to get her feelings out in uncontrollable rage; sometimes, at someone, she's not even rageful. She can be very self-destructive and won't listen. She is the strong one to come out to deal with trauma or stressful situation. She feeds off the mania energy. 


Lola is the dominant one, confident, a go-getter who loves to take control and can be aggressive to get things done no matter what it takes. She is motivated to do the best job she can. I often call her the director because Lola is a leader who makes the final decision. She loves to work and strived under stress. This alter comes out in the mania state. She constantly craves manic energy. She hates medications because it makes her stupid. Because of her, I am unable to consistently take medications. She can distract herself from her deeper problems like self-medicating to appear high functioning to the rest of the world. She is the one who refuses to sleep because "my job is not done." She can't settle down and doesn't make time to relax. She doesn't see herself as a wife or mother. She is tormented by the sense of loss, exposing her weakness and unable to return to being her old self. She has so much animosity from being called a "demon."


Luna is the keeper who holds the traumatic and painful memories, which she finds challenging to let go of and remain unconscious to these memories until they overwhelm her. Hence, she suppresses it all but enormously struggles when her mind consumes with racing thoughts. She carries the massive burden of having to talk about many of everyone's feelings, so she would text and write nonstop. She is a scared little girl afraid to make someone sad or angry. Coping and comforting during depression is her strength, and she usually takes over during psychotic episodes. She was the one who befriended the "boogie man" in her past childhood. 


Dao: she is a people pleaser, has a gift for taking care of others, and always wants to be the "good girl" She always seeks approval. She has a hard time talking to people. She usually comes out in the most extreme life-or-death situation. She still lives in the past, constantly feeling sad and deeply hurt by something someone has said or done that she held on to and can't let go of.


Doctor: she is the analyzer who replays the memories and always gets fixated on fixing things in my mind. She can get obsessive about finding the "cure" to the point of insanity. She would do the same thing and be oblivious to the same outcome each time, which never stopped her from fixing herself. She questions everything and looks for other explanations when she is not satisfied. She has a hard time accepting treatment from my psychiatrist and psychologist.


Observer:  I have a hypervigilant observing part that always expects the worst and continuously has to prepare for it. She listens to the Doctor, but she doesn't say anything. The Observer sees everything in motion from above and saves the memories for the Doctor. She is the watcher, and I feel I was two different people when she came out. I felt as if she stepped out of my body – behind it, above it, or next to it- and she watched me going through the motions. It is a weird feeling, like her being some kind of ghost. She doesn't feel anything, for that matter – because she is not the one involved. She is just there watching. Her job is to record and save the memories and then playback them for each of us to conduct a self-analysis.  


There are a variety of triggers that can cause me to switch between Parts. These triggers can include trauma, stress, memories, intense emotions, senses, alcohol and substance use, special events, or specific situations. My different Parts are holding onto pieces of the puzzle that was my life. I devoted and gave everything I had to heal. All of them needed to be tended to. 



Read more »

A Moment of Quiet Reflection

This resonated with me, so I pondered this subject. What is quiet reflection? It takes a moment to look back, think about your day's experience, and be curious about how you feel and think. A moment like this might reveal greater awareness of feelings, longings, or even appreciation. 


I have everything in my life that I could ever wish for, and I have all I need. My family hardly ever argues disrespectfully. There are boundaries that we don't cross. My husband always finds himself stuck between his mom and me when I disagree with her on a subject. We have our own quiet ways of dealing with each other with my husband's help. My kids never fight with each other or with their dad or me. We have disagreements, but for the most part, the kids handle it privately and deal with their issues quietly until the problem is no longer a problem and then forgotten. The mom, me, pokes and forces it out of them because I prefer to talk it out loud to address the issue right then and there. I won't stop until there is a resolution to the same problem, which is no longer a problem to them, but I'm making it my problem. I fix whatever it is on my own terms, my way, the only way. That is sad, but it is always my way of dealing with things and my mode to constantly fight to win the battle of mind over matters to survive. I would come out stronger until the next big fight, ready to struggle to succeed. Confrontation is my forte. 


I have an ongoing problem and constantly dealing with it gets tricky because I have several identities that I refer to as my Parts who fight, feel, think, and act and their behaviors and habits are different. Yes, I can have five other thoughts going on at the same time. However, I only have one mouth to speak with one voice. When all my Parts want to talk and voice their opinion all at once, I would appear from the outside, talking fast, jumping from one topic to the next. I get choked up and gagging, making it so hard to get one word out while looking like an insane lunatic who can't talk; ending up feeling safe; I'll just be mute. This makes people believe that I am demon-possessed. 


Tell me if it's possible to have more than one person speak out from one mouth? I'll die to keep trying. Holding all the voices inside in my head driving me insane from the inside and the outside, I'll look all spaced out, not moving because I forgot how to act, so to be safe, I would just sit there staring off into space while my body is jerking like I'm in an imaginary straight jacket trying to break free. My jaw can't stop clicking like when high on drugs. You can see me physically fighting within myself, forcing my body forward to get out, and another force would jerk me backward, giving me a feeling of whiplash, causing my head to feel like it's spinning. My head will twist back at any moment like the girl in the movie The Exorcist. Two things are happening that I'm dealing with. One my body going out of control. Two of my mind is filled with screaming and yelling nonstop, trying to make me switch, and whomever the strongest takes control, but you know what? That's what the parts think. It's up to the inner child to decide who she wants to let out to play with. 


Does that make sense? Let me explain. The inner child, the baby, was me, who almost died but fought hard to survive by using what God gave the baby at that time. The baby was in so much pain and couldn't talk. God gave the baby a coping mechanism for her mind to split into different parts to endure the trauma. Leaving the baby to seek refuge deep inside her own mind painlessly, this same mind created something so unbelievable supernatural that no one would ever understand what a two-year-old was capable of doing to save herself. Life moves on, and growing up, as an adult, she experienced more trauma than the coping mechanism God gave her will come into play without me as an adult knowing it was happening because the system the baby created systematically goes on autopilot knowing what Part to come out at what situation and the correct Part to deal with that trauma. For the longest time, starting from my childhood up to my adulthood, mostly in my twenties, was how I functioned and survived living my life the normal way how. I knew what normal was, but it was never normal, but it had worked for me the way live an extreme life to a point my body and mind just had enough from me self-medicating with alcohol and recreational drug that it just couldn't take anymore before my system is overloaded and crashed.


My system malfunctioned, and all the Parts were scattered and now able to hear one another talking and thinking. Before it broke, no parts knew of one another in the system. The system was running smoothly, with each having its own reaction and always knowing what to do because everyone had their own switch that gets automatically pushed by someone superior for the Parts to automatically act theoretically to do what each Part was created to do. This excellent system short-circuited into massive twisted wires that got disconnected and burned out. This reality was happening all in my thirties. I woke up to a freaken mess. Knowing I'm not alone. I'm a freak.


How crazy is that? Then hearing the crying nonstop at night. Wondered what the heck was happening to me. At the same time, I see a film-like movie playing in my head at night while I'm in a dreamlike state, which makes it so confusing to differentiate was it my imagination or was it a dream or was it something that happened like a memory or what the heck is it that I'm watching half sleeping and half awake. Then there are different voices I'm hearing telling me this and that. Can anyone feel happy and sad at once? Well, I can. I hate it so much. I would feel thrilled being in this Part, and then the suicidal sadness part overcomes me. This is the most painful. Feel so much, not knowing what to do about it, and the only way to end the feeling is to be dead rather than stay alive being tortured by what I can't understand and so desperately to find relief. I just want to die. The suicidal depressive Part grabbed an envelope opener blade, trying to stab me. At the same time, the manic egotistical Part subconsciously fought back by using all my mental power to stop my hand in mid-air from letting the blade go through my chest. I'm physically in a fight between life and death. Can you imagine me on the floor in tears holding the knife with both hands, causing my body uncontrollably locked into a predicament to stab or not to stab? Which self of me is stronger to kill me or save me from myself.


Can you envision this happening to me alone in my room, fighting with myself inside my head, and my body feels so insane, not knowing what to do with myself because I can't stop it from being held in captively by my own fractured mind and also the chemical unbalance in my brain that intensified and causes more chaotic to the situation? Don't you rather just die? Luckily, my mania always felt extremely powerful and won the battle. I stay alive by letting myself cry out for help. My psychologist was on the phone with me, and my husband rushed home from work, saving me from myself. No one is far more dangerous than leaving me alone to deal with my own mind. I'm a danger to myself in a very self-destructive way. The mental breakdown in 2014 was the breaking point that started all the madness I experienced, and this caused the exposure of my inner child that I never knew of, and finding out this left the baby very vulnerable and helpless. Because all the disconnected and burnt-out wires that once held every one, all the parts together in one system are now in a complete pile of crap, causing confusion for everyone. They react in a flight-or-fight reaction in every situation, whether small or big, which makes them always in a fight-to-survive mode coming out in an unexpected case that I unknowingly cried out for them to help. I switch like a revolving door that is beyond my control. A part took over and helped deal with that situation that I can't deal with, but the Part is in my time which is today; the present that Part doesn't know that she is here in the present time, but she is actually way back there stuck in her own time if that makes sense. 


My Parts have their own feeling, ideas, and memories but their actions and behaviors are very predictable. The more each Part takes over to deal with the trauma situations, the Part's identity gets solidified and becomes more accurate, having her own feelings and thoughts and not just only a voice. If you are living with me, witnessing everything, and watching me daily, you will know me very well to help me catch it, saving us all from another dramatic episode and sleepless nights. 


So did I make your mind explode yet? It's a lot to take in for you, me, and anyone. So why am I talking about all this? I don't know why I'm telling you all this, and the craziest thing is I view everything that I'm telling you as my moment of what I feel is my quiet reflection. Because now it is hushed. My mind is tranquil. The silence. I feel a little displaced, not knowing how to cope with this new stage I am presently in. From chaotic to dead silence is very scary, like always being used to having people around talking and fighting with you, but no one is there with you. All that is there is dead silence like you're somewhere in a tranquil place like a damn cemetery. I thought the voices were evil spirits that I had cast out at my last deliverance we all know as an exorcism. That experience was traumatic, scared all the parts away, and they went dormant. Only the evil spirits went away, but the parts never went away and are still all there. However, my mind is not as chaotic as it used to be. The quietness in my mind is something I am very grateful even knowing my parts are there. This is my moment of quiet reflection. 


I learned that there is a critical development in the inner healing world because instead of guessing. I can try to work on intentionally engaging and systematically working with the Parts. I hope to resolve all my Parts' conflicts and spiritual assignments. Bringing them into a wholehearted loving relationship with our Father God. 


All of the parts inside me are there to help protect the inner child at all costs. I haven't shared about the most bizarre and wildest way I learned to help myself when I get all twisted, so instead of going bat shit crazy. I understand how my role is to help the Parts deal with the unresolved emotional pain and traumas, but I can't let them recurrently take control of my mind and behavior. I am my true self; my parts are just there to save me when needed, but I am much stronger now, learning how to deal with the situations on my own regardless of how traumatic and stressful I can handle them without needing to switch and for a Part to take over.



Read more »

Finished Reading Bible Book of Job


I reread the Book of Job, it was difficult to read and understand, but as I read through the book, I felt so much pain and suffering. Job suffered so much that it makes me cry. While he does not know why he suffers, God tests him to bring his pain and grief to God and trust that He is wise and knows what He's doing. At the same time, Satan messes with Job trying to prove a point to God. How awful to be put in the middle between good and evil. Reading the bible and writing about my spiritual experiences, I feel they coincide with all that happened to me. For years, I suffered from bipolar disorder and DID, having a mind that is split into different parts, and I felt so alone. I had so many bizarre heartrending experiences that are so unbelievably straight-up crazy yet so amazing it's still hard to wrap my head around them. My husband witnessed it all, too, and he is flabbergasted. It traumatized him, making it hard for him to talk about his experiences with anyone. He can compartmentalize his own spiritual experiences numbing his feelings to not look back but move forward to go to work every day and keep the family together despite everything happening to him. He said it's okay for me to have a meltdown but never for him. 

I always seek help from friends and family, not knowing God is always with me, but I choose to ignore that fact because I don't trust faith. Why am I keep suffering just like Job? I found faith again when God intervened, saving my safe. When I'm with God, I never have to explain my struggles. God knows everything that I'm going through. He listens when I begin learning how to talk to him from prayers and reading His words. 

In the Book of Job, we see a man God allows to be directly attacked by Satan. He is an example of faithfulness as he loses everything necessary to him yet remains faithful to God. Its purpose is to illustrate God's sovereignty and dedication during a time of great suffering. Sharing what I learned about Job's milestones. 

God Tests Job
The book of Job questions God's justice. God believes he stays faithful by testing him. Satan wants to prove to God that the upright and blameless Job will not continue to serve God if he loses everything. 

(I cried reading about Job's suffering and how Satan wants to destroy Job just so he can prove his point makes me so angry)

Job Accuses God
Job accuses God of acting unjustly while his friends blame him for wrongdoing. They all believe God operates the universe according to the rules of justice.

(I always question why God would allow us to suffer, and then I realize I'm so wronged)  

Job Questions God
Job reviews his good works and questions why God would allow him to suffer, but he sees his pain through the lens of his limited view. 

(There was a time I had tunnel vision and couldn't see beyond my own pain)  

God's Virtual Tour
God responds to Job personally with a virtual tour of the world. He reminds Job that His worldview is infinite while Job's view is limited.

(I can relate with Job because I had to go beyond my view and finally found God to learn about His worldview) 

Job Learns Trust
God doesn't explain our suffering, but He reminds Job that we live in a complex world and asks us to trust His character and wisdom.

(I came a long way to know this. God never explains but only guides us along the way in life, and we need to trust him to show us the way.) 

Sometimes I get blinded by bright white light; it always makes me remember a past I had once experienced, or I'm currently going through a new spiritual experience. A flash of spiritual light carries more meaning than anyone realizes, so I must consider what it represents. 

I love having conversations with people so I can pick their brains for inspiration and knowledge to hear different perspectives. Still, sometimes it's not easy to talk about stuff I can't explain, but when you want to know, simply ask because I don't mind sharing with you. Sometimes I see bright white light around people who I feel are unique because I see there's an aura shining out from them, eluding the peaceful feeling that makes whoever is sensitive to the supernatural would have that feeling. I hope I explained it, and it makes sense. This topic is very ambiguous. 

Only God knows the meaning of why I see and feel strange things, but I believe that ever since my spiritual breakdown at Giver of Life Church, it has opened me up to the supernatural world. Whenever I tried to get help from others to get more understanding, it was unreal to them because they were living in the natural world. God often hears my desperate cry for help when I have no one to rescue me because my mind is malfunctioning. I stop seeking answers from other people and go straight to God with all my problems and questions. He never answers because I'm too hardheaded, wanting to do things myself instead of giving it all to God, and you know what? God let me figure it out on my own. He let me go through all the trials and tribulations, so I learn on my own, and when I completely break down, and he waits patiently for me to cry, outreaching to him, that's His way to teach me a lesson, and he always intervened when the enemies had overtaken my mind and body to pulled me from the darkness back into the light to Him, and that's what a father-daughter relationship is all about. It's a part of me that needs to grow up, and God always watching over me. 

Do you know I enjoy asking questions to get insight and have someone tell it how it is? I had complimented someone as being wise, and he said, "It is not my wisdom Lena; it's His. I have learned not to trust in my own heart or wisdom. God's word and the Holy Spirit are the sources of all blessings and wisdom. Look to him. Remember if we can't trust our heart (Prov 28:26). We really can't rely on anything other than God's word."

He said he learned not to trust in his own heart? I'm unsure if I agree with that because your heart is where the Holy Spirit resides in you. You have to trust your heart to receive God's love. It is incredible to see how God uses us to speak to those around us. 


Read more »
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)
Powered by Blogger.