Oversharing

Oversharing

First, I apologize for this long-winded post, but for the life of me, I just can't tell a long story short. Or even a short story short for that matter.

I've been thinking about oversharing for days and I spoke to my psychologist asked why I always have the intense urge to over share. She said there will always be a bit of the manic over-achiever in me to share as much as I can to anyone and everyone because being MANIA is when it is always about me. It’s a part of being manic and there also evidence of a dissociative disorder is manifest makes me feel the need to reconcile the impossible. My psychologist do see it as existing on the same continuum as more problematic form of dissociation and that it is therefore a very normal, natural part of the way how my brain operate. Having BD and DID makes my case very complex. 

I want to reflect on what happened recently a response from a close friend got me very emotional but it was what I needed to be able to analyzed myself and realized disclosing too soon and too much can feel like a massive over share. This behavior is something I can’t see on my own during times like that because I’m either bipolar or dissociate. I’m grateful she brought this to my attention. 

When I’m feeling well, people don’t hear from me often. It was always the times when I’m not well, I reached out to everyone to talk my ass off or I’ll be writing like crazy about whatever it was. My psychiatrist said especially when I haven’t taken my medications I can suddenly have this symptom and this is when I always couldn’t stop talking to or texting with people because my racing thoughts wouldn’t quiet down or let me sleep. 

For me, oversharing is a huge issue. I know that my urge to over share is my mania symptom but it is also a dissociative symptoms because there are different Parts in me have the compulsion to "get everything out” this been problematic for me at times. And quite frankly, it's just not normal. I know that much. There are Parts in me give WAY too much of myself entirely too soon when self realization happens. And how and what my Parts and I share feels "pressured" to get out.

I'm not needy or clingy or anything like that but with people I'm already close to, I know I'm constantly reaching out to rant then apologizing for interrupting at the wrong time and the wrong place. But I really can't help myself at times. It's so impulsive, but at the same time, if I don't say or text what just popped into my mind, I may lose that thought. My thoughts race so fast I can't seem to keep up with them, I have to get it out right away without thinking twice. It’s compelling for me to tell you something that will always end up being so ridiculously long. I just couldn't get everything I needed to explain... in... And I always write right up until the very last minute, compulsively adding additional information along the way. 

Then I get into an exhausting cycle of feeling like a jerk because I talk too much then feeling sad because I AM A JERK oversharing and wanting to overcorrect by smothering everyone but honest to God, this is something I can’t control and I feel even worse after all said and done. 

I will never be able to say this enough - I am so incredibly grateful for everyone being on the receiving end of what my psychologist called is having a “bipolar conversation." In a mania or dissociative state of mind I always have this symptom.

I realize that my posts are quite a bit to take in at once, but like everything else, I'm really trying my best to work on that. I’m trying to be as transparent as I can. So my psychiatrist said being on the new injectable medication treatment I have more self awareness so when times the bipolar creeping in; I can catch myself and I can stop myself from talking too much. I will do my best to ride out the episode and once when I’m back in a normal state of mind then I can share it without going into a rampage from oversharing my bipolar experience. 

However, when the dissociation happens this is when I feel that I switch to another part of my personality which I refers to as my coping mechanism for all kinds of stress, not just traumatic stress. Dissociation is an entirely normal response to overwhelming situations for me mostly when I inadvertently overreact to something and, boom, another mood swing hits me and the nerve cells that are responsible for emotional regulation go out of whack, I switch, go into crisis-control mode, can’t hold back, go ranting, sometimes I have a hard time remembering and other times I have no memory. 

Having said that, DID and BD are connected because during low periods a submissive Part in me always have hesitation and go total radio silence but more frequently during high periods the Parts who is the Dominant and the other who is the Doctor are always so curious wanting to talk it out to get people’s perspective so one of them can analyze to appropriately tell whichever Parts in me that was affected by that particular experience to make the changes, if necessary. I have little or no control who comes out, or who is in control of my body. My body makes conscious decisions about what’s best for my safety and even the safety of my own mind. 

It is very odd I would come to my own self-realization every time after I sent the text messages asking my friends about something then I almost always right away have my own answer to that question that I asked them. But being able to go back rereading my text messages, it gets me out of the pattern of reacting to mood swings and into preventing them.

My psychologist said sharing my experiences is a great way to break the stigma of mental health conditions, it’s important to remember some people may become overwhelmed. But for many people, the urge to overshare at the wrong time and place leads to a bad experience, rejection and isolation. I am aware of this. I haven't encountered anything negative when I overshare but I do need to learn to stop it, if I could -- I would.

My only intention for people to understand more about what I have and the reality of it. I want to help others like me. I know telling my story might not be the idea right now especially if I wrote something and people misunderstood have their different point of view that I might not agree on worsening my mental health. But I can’t help to be very open when I’m writing or talking about my experiences. 

This sound very bizarre. It’s not me. Sometimes it’s the bipolar. Other times it’s the dissociative.