God’s Deliverance
I
used to feel very uncomfortable going to a charismatic church and be around
“very religious” people that speak in tongue. I avoided these people because I
assumed that they’d either pressure me to do something I didn’t want to do, or
they’d take one look at me and label me a bad Christian for not wanting to be a
part of their particular beliefs. This was a very negative thought coming from
me and me alone. This was my own feelings that my unhealthy mind created. My
fear was so thick that I subconsciously avoided listening to God. When the Holy
Spirit gave me the grace to see God, it was terrifying to me. I always run away
and running the opposite direction from Him because my mind have trouble
processing so then I would react in a flight-or-fight response and I become
dissociated. It’s hard to explain the big meaningful interactions I’ve had with
God. They tend to have a major you-had-to-be-there feel. I had a very hard time
understanding it all. How can I possibly understand this when I am not in
the right state of mind. People in the "right" state of mind barely
understand this.
People
don't usually discuss spiritual encounters unless the person brings it up. It
is a very personal thing. For a long time I couldn’t recall what really
happened at Giver of Life. I finally have the strength to ask.
I was
told during one experience at Giver of Life I lost control was spinning on the
ground and levitated up 3 inches from the ground that can be only explained as
supernatural power. My eyes were closed but somehow I went towards the cross
and held on tightly and burst into uncontrollable tears. When I opened my eyes
I was laying on the floor with Pastor Selina. She held me and told me God loves
me.
I was
told having another experience at Giver of Life I was running around the room,
jumping on rows of chairs and crawled under chairs trying to escape, as if, I
was being attacked. When I was blinded by a light that appeared from
nowhere, I ran away. I couldn’t see with my eyes. I felt someone took over
me. I was drifting in and out of consciousness. When I opened my eyes and I
found myself on the floor I was so confused. Pastor Selina was there wiping
away my tears. I saw people crying all around me. It was so awkward not knowing
what just happened. They said they loved me and everything is okay.
Another
different experience at Giver of Life during service as I sat there I remember
vaguely looking up at the ceiling I saw a brilliant bright light, I flipped
out, and I ran away crawling under rows of chairs. People were trying to
pulled me out from under the chair but I was strong enough to not release it.
At that very moment I remember feeling an excruciating pain in my body. They
said no one touched me as I rolled on the floor. I felt tortured by the pain
and I cried so loud like I never cried before.
I
remember hearing a small voice inside telling me to “feel me, feel me.” Believe
me or not, I know it was Jesus revealing his emotions in me, if that makes
sense. I felt His pain because He want me to comprehend that no other pain is
greater than the pain when He was dying on the cross for us.
His
purpose for me to be able to go beyond my own pains and be humble to empathize
on a deeper level with people. One day I can help people who are in need for
healing just like me.
1
John 2:27
As
for you, the anointing which you received from Him abides in you, and you have
no need for anyone to teach you; but as His anointing teaches you about all
things, and is true and is not a lie, and just as it has taught you, you abide
in Him.
He
put me in this particular place so I can be anointed by Him. How greatly I
needed deliverance, and how I longed to be set free from the bondage. That
is my problem. I don't want people to see me without control. I was
ashamed and embarrassed to know people had witnessed me losing control at
church. Then enemy is using that to take this moment away from me.
I was introduced to Pastor Hien and we connected in a spiritual way. I
shared my experiences with her. She confirmed what I felt was the Holy Spirit.
God is with me. The Holy Spirit is in me. What the enemy had to break me...God
intervened. God knows me very well so I was delivered by Him many times in
different ways that he knows best for me.
From
the outside looking in, people can’t understand, but from the inside looking
out, I am mentally healing. I can still feel the Holy Spirit even though
my mind is not fully healthy yet. I’ve been told for the longest time I'm sick
but I know the Holy Spirit is healing my mind.
God
doesn’t delight in hurting His children. His wrath is not poured out on His
beloved. He is full of mercy and compassion. And when we walk through the pains
of death and trauma and our crippling imaginary concerns. He isn’t the enemy.
He isn’t the aggressor. He’s the Comforter.
2
Cor. 1:3–5.
Blessed
be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the
God of all comfort. He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be
able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we
ourselves receive from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ overflow to
us, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
Life
changed for me when I learned to understand the Word of God and not be overcome
with my fears. I realized that though I can't fix myself, Jesus walked into
this broken, sad, scary place to rescue, love, and cast out all fear. The
Lord reassured me, that I am loved, not because I am good, but because He is
good. I am scared, but He is good. I will focus on my new found enlightenment
and let go of the part of me that wants to self-criticize. I am not in darkness
anymore.
Proverbs
1:33
but
whoever listens to me will live in safety and be at ease, without fear of
harm.
This
is the Lord's promise to you about His willingness to free you from fear and to
give you peace through faith in Him. But as I lay in bed, enveloped in the
agony of my fear, I felt God reach in and brush it away effortlessly. God
poured the truth of His Word into my soul. In those minutes that I didn’t run
from His presence, the words I’d read and known and twisted into condemnation
were clear. When the gospel made clear that God has already given me His
own Son, I stopped being afraid of the “scary” situations that bring me close
to Him.
I’m
telling you this from the bottom of my heart what really matters for us to
understand that seeing life in light of the cross will help you avoid fear,
overcome fear when you can’t avoid it, and live beyond fear when you don’t
overcome it. You don't have to be afraid. Have no fear. Have faith in
God.
“Dear
God, in the comfort of your love, I lay before you the memories that haunt me,
the anxieties that perplex me, the despair that frightens me, and my
frustration at my inability to think clearly. Help me to discover your
forgiveness in my memories and know your peace in my distress. Touch me, Lord,
and fill me with your light and your hope. Amen.”
