My Testimony at Giver of Life
I have two mental illnesses — Bipolar Disorder 1 and Dissociative Identity Disorder. I was sick for a long time. I lost my mind and I have been living in darkness. Today, I can now think clearly as the symptoms from my illnesses have been managed by medications.
The last five years, I have been through the intensely high times. Every night, I reflect on the experiences that have shaped me. I am still healing slowly, and I know for a fact I did not do this all on my own. Much of who I am today can be attributed to God.
I've had several amazing experiences with Jesus but the turning point where He intervened and revealed himself to me for the first time was at Giver of Life church. I didn't know back then, but I know now that my journey to healing had begun from there.
But since I have been diagnosed with mental illness, I felt torn believing the experiences I had were caused from the illness. Being stable now, I believe there is more to it. I accept the diagnosis but the diagnosis and my belief in God goes hand in hand. I believe there is more to these experiences than putting it down to mental illness. I’m still trying to figure out deep spiritual meanings of my experiences. It is not so much about is it real or imaginary. Even though there may be a mental health aspect to these experiences, the meaning an individual connects with that experience is what is most important. I believe in medicine and doctors, but now I strongly believe in divine healing.
John 1:1-5
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
I am mentality stronger because my mental clarity and focus have improved. I see lights that I can’t explain. I see bright white lights when my eyes are opened in the middle of the day and when I closed my eyes at night. It can linger and seem to appear out of nowhere. Anyway, I asked my doctor if this is psychosis and she said no. Usually whenever this happens I would have a flashback memory of a particular experience that I believe was spiritual as if it just happened yesterday.
Like I remember the first time I saw the light was at Giver of Life, and I was terrified remembering that time I was so sick from my mental illnesses. I had three supernatural experiences there that I don't fully understand because I vaguely remember the details of what really happened to me. I had amnesia. Short-term memory loss that I forget things I heard, saw, or did during those times. All I remember was waking up and I was laying on the floor in tears. I stopped going to church because I keep getting triggered.
When my memories slowly returned in bits and pieces, I interpreted it wrong when I tried to make sense of it all on my own. I was so consumed with my own emotions in which I reacted negatively and was oppressed by the darkness. I won’t let go. I had tunnel vision and couldn’t see anything beyond the unsettling misinterpretations that came from the madness of my own mind. I was so angry because I had so much fear. For the longest time I thought I was traumatized.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God didn’t give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control.
For God didn’t give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control.
Now that I have more clarity, I’m not sick, I understand why every time I see lights it would take me back to my experiences at Giver of Life, as if, the angels are telling me I needed closure and reconciliation over the misunderstanding I held on for so long. Jesus want me to reconcile with Pastor Selina and make peace. I am finally obeying and that’s why I am here now.
I am walking on a path to recovery but I have been plagued for a long time with a heaviness on my heart that robs my peace and joy. It weighs me down that I cannot accept any help from other Christians. A sense of oppression would descend upon me for no apparent reason.
John 3:19-21
This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.
This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.
I keep seeing lights and I feel so conflicted whenever I see bright lights out of nowhere that comes and goes, always leaving me very emotional.
Psalm 28:7
The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.
The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.
I recalled a night even when I closed my eyes and saw what I can only describe as the brightest, most brilliant white light that I have ever experienced. I laid in bed as the light hovered above me. I was terrified. I wasn’t dreaming or hallucinating and I was not psychotic but I was so scared that as my heart pounded, I stopped breathing on purpose, hoping the light would stop or go away. As I continued to try to look into the light, to try and see what it was or where it was coming from; the image of a face so bright appeared. I didn't understand. I could not understand what was happening to me. Still terrified I looked into the light. It was Jesus looking into me as the light of His image floated and drifted, and at that moment when I realized it, I was overwhelmed with so many catastrophic emotions. My mind couldn’t comprehend it. I couldn’t sleep. When I got out of bed the next morning and there was normal daylight and it was just a regular day, I put the experience aside. I knew it happened; I knew I did not imagine it but I could not fit it into logical reasoning.
Another time I experienced lights radiating around me. I know I was seeing angels. The light was white and pure. It was the ultimate reality. Coming from the light was complete and perfect peace, love, forgiveness, and beauty. The love I felt, and everything else existing in this light, was so unselfish and pure. I knew it could only come from Jesus. The light was love because Jesus truly is love. Then I saw inside my chest. My chest looked like a pitch-black room with the lights turned out. I could see the outline of my heart how my heart was sitting in darkness. Yet, there was a beam of pure, white light bursting outward from a small piece of my heart like a ray of sunshine coming through a storm cloud. The light was filled with peace, love, and goodness. I knew Jesus was telling me that my heart was in darkness, and that if I only let a small piece of Him shine through, there could be so much unimaginable peace. He broke me down and gave me a new breath of life.
John 12:35-36
Then Jesus told them, “You are going to have light just a little while longer. Walk while you have the light, before darkness overtakes you. Whoever walks in the dark does not know where they are going. Believe in the light while you have the light, so that you may become children of light.”
Then Jesus told them, “You are going to have light just a little while longer. Walk while you have the light, before darkness overtakes you. Whoever walks in the dark does not know where they are going. Believe in the light while you have the light, so that you may become children of light.”
I told myself to stop questioning when I see God's light, I knew how wrong I had been. I know how much I had misunderstood Him. I know nothing bad could ever come from God and that He does everything for good with pure, everlasting love. The light of God is always there with me at every steps of the way, and whenever I see the light, it continue to change every moments in my life. He gave me the gift of clarity and allow me to let myself heal mentally from every trials he had put me through so I can completely believe in Him.
Psalm 17:6
I call on you, my God, for you will answer me; turn your ear to me, and hear my prayers.
I call on you, my God, for you will answer me; turn your ear to me, and hear my prayers.
“Heavenly Father, it is my will to surrender to you everything that I am and everything that I'm striving to be. In the blood of Jesus Christ that covers me, I demand all the bad spirits inside me to get out and I declare I am healing I will be no longer sick.”
“I open the deepest innermost feelings of my heart and invite Your Holy Spirit to dwell inside of me. I offer you my life, my heart, my mind, my body, my soul, and my spirit. I surrender to you my past, present, and future problems. I ask You to take hold over every aspect of my life. I surrender to You all my hurt, pain, worry, doubt, fear, and anxiety, and I ask You to wash me clean. Open my ears to hear Your voice. Silenced all other negative voices in my head. Open my heart to commune with You more deeply. Open the doors that need to be opened and close the doors that need to be closed. Please set my feet upon the straight and narrow path that leads to everlasting life.”
“I know that the first step in all spiritual healing is to believe. Oh Father God, I believe! I believe that healing is a dynamic and reachable experience, a reality that can be experienced right now. I maintain a patient and loving attitude, for I believe that your healing activity is now at work in my mind and body. I look forward to the perfect wholeness that you are now bringing into manifestation through me. I know that with you all things are possible.”
“Father, I’ll admit that I sometime pick at emotional scars. I replay what was done and how it was done. I don’t want to do that any longer. I want to get up off my emotional mat, get up, and walk in freedom. Today I forgive everyone for my past hurts and will no longer hold the offense against the offender. I also accept your forgiveness for my sin and will no longer live in shame and condemnation. In the name of Jesus, amen.”
I’ll close with saying one last thing. God loves us so much. Listen to Him. Listen with your heart, not with your mind. When God does a work in us, it’s for His glory.
