Why am I, the Way I am & Why I do, What I do...
Why do I need to explain my bipolar disorder and DID? I have to go on my own to find explanations because I'm trying to make sense of things. People think I can't control myself sometimes. I understand that's how I appear to them. If I had leukemia or diabetes, would you ask me why I can't control my white blood cells or insulin? Bipolar is a physical illness that affects my brain chemistry, affecting my emotions and moods. Bipolar is an illness that makes me respond to outside events with way over-the-top reactions. You may go through the same event and typically respond because your brain is normal. My brain can't do this as well as yours can. My brain creates false emotions that are often very confusing and upsetting. It's not something I do on purpose. I'm not weak, but I have a personality problem called DID. However, I no longer hear voices in my head due to the last deliverance I had experienced at church.
I have faith. I believe in God. I cast out all the evil spirits. I don't drink anymore. I don't party. I hardly go out to see my friends. It is not psychosis because medication suppresses that symptom.
Yet when big or small changes happen in everyday life, it puts me into mood swings, and the bipolar symptoms creep in during those nights, which causes me to feel the extreme adrenaline pumping from my brain that travels throughout my body. When this happens, I can't sleep.
Why I can't sleep for days? The fact is that there is a chemical unbalance in my brain, but there has to be more than that. I eliminated all the triggers, yet sleepless nights are still happening. I've been like this for years.
Why? Why does this keep happening?
I know my behavior is often weird whenever I have an episode, and after every time it passed, I always tried to work on improving myself. When family and friends help me get more stable, the weird behavior will also get better. I have an illness that makes it look like I have emotional issues, but I don't. I just have a brain that doesn't react to things correctly. I'm working to fix this by combining science (therapy & medications) and spirituality (God). I think the problem is people don't ask questions about what bipolar or what DID is. So there's a stigma about these two illnesses. Church chooses not to recognize this, calling it the devil's work. Doctors can't rely on anything spiritually because it is something they can't prove exist or not. I am looking for a connection between science and spirituality.
I ultimately agreed doctors can't cure you, but they are the starting point for us to go when we get sick. They can only put the bandage over our wounds. On a deeper level, we must have faith in God or the higher power we believe in to fully heal us.
At the end of the day, I only want to understand myself.
