A Moment of Quiet Reflection
This resonated with me, so I pondered this subject. What is quiet reflection? It takes a moment to look back, think about your day's experience, and be curious about how you feel and think. A moment like this might reveal greater awareness of feelings, longings, or even appreciation.
I have everything in my life that I could ever wish for, and I have all I need. My family hardly ever argues disrespectfully. There are boundaries that we don't cross. My husband always finds himself stuck between his mom and me when I disagree with her on a subject. We have our own quiet ways of dealing with each other with my husband's help. My kids never fight with each other or with their dad or me. We have disagreements, but for the most part, the kids handle it privately and deal with their issues quietly until the problem is no longer a problem and then forgotten. The mom, me, pokes and forces it out of them because I prefer to talk it out loud to address the issue right then and there. I won't stop until there is a resolution to the same problem, which is no longer a problem to them, but I'm making it my problem. I fix whatever it is on my own terms, my way, the only way. That is sad, but it is always my way of dealing with things and my mode to constantly fight to win the battle of mind over matters to survive. I would come out stronger until the next big fight, ready to struggle to succeed. Confrontation is my forte.
I have an ongoing problem and constantly dealing with it gets tricky because I have several identities that I refer to as my Parts who fight, feel, think, and act and their behaviors and habits are different. Yes, I can have five other thoughts going on at the same time. However, I only have one mouth to speak with one voice. When all my Parts want to talk and voice their opinion all at once, I would appear from the outside, talking fast, jumping from one topic to the next. I get choked up and gagging, making it so hard to get one word out while looking like an insane lunatic who can't talk; ending up feeling safe; I'll just be mute. This makes people believe that I am demon-possessed.
Tell me if it's possible to have more than one person speak out from one mouth? I'll die to keep trying. Holding all the voices inside in my head driving me insane from the inside and the outside, I'll look all spaced out, not moving because I forgot how to act, so to be safe, I would just sit there staring off into space while my body is jerking like I'm in an imaginary straight jacket trying to break free. My jaw can't stop clicking like when high on drugs. You can see me physically fighting within myself, forcing my body forward to get out, and another force would jerk me backward, giving me a feeling of whiplash, causing my head to feel like it's spinning. My head will twist back at any moment like the girl in the movie The Exorcist. Two things are happening that I'm dealing with. One my body going out of control. Two of my mind is filled with screaming and yelling nonstop, trying to make me switch, and whomever the strongest takes control, but you know what? That's what the parts think. It's up to the inner child to decide who she wants to let out to play with.
Does that make sense? Let me explain. The inner child, the baby, was me, who almost died but fought hard to survive by using what God gave the baby at that time. The baby was in so much pain and couldn't talk. God gave the baby a coping mechanism for her mind to split into different parts to endure the trauma. Leaving the baby to seek refuge deep inside her own mind painlessly, this same mind created something so unbelievable supernatural that no one would ever understand what a two-year-old was capable of doing to save herself. Life moves on, and growing up, as an adult, she experienced more trauma than the coping mechanism God gave her will come into play without me as an adult knowing it was happening because the system the baby created systematically goes on autopilot knowing what Part to come out at what situation and the correct Part to deal with that trauma. For the longest time, starting from my childhood up to my adulthood, mostly in my twenties, was how I functioned and survived living my life the normal way how. I knew what normal was, but it was never normal, but it had worked for me the way live an extreme life to a point my body and mind just had enough from me self-medicating with alcohol and recreational drug that it just couldn't take anymore before my system is overloaded and crashed.
My system malfunctioned, and all the Parts were scattered and now able to hear one another talking and thinking. Before it broke, no parts knew of one another in the system. The system was running smoothly, with each having its own reaction and always knowing what to do because everyone had their own switch that gets automatically pushed by someone superior for the Parts to automatically act theoretically to do what each Part was created to do. This excellent system short-circuited into massive twisted wires that got disconnected and burned out. This reality was happening all in my thirties. I woke up to a freaken mess. Knowing I'm not alone. I'm a freak.
How crazy is that? Then hearing the crying nonstop at night. Wondered what the heck was happening to me. At the same time, I see a film-like movie playing in my head at night while I'm in a dreamlike state, which makes it so confusing to differentiate was it my imagination or was it a dream or was it something that happened like a memory or what the heck is it that I'm watching half sleeping and half awake. Then there are different voices I'm hearing telling me this and that. Can anyone feel happy and sad at once? Well, I can. I hate it so much. I would feel thrilled being in this Part, and then the suicidal sadness part overcomes me. This is the most painful. Feel so much, not knowing what to do about it, and the only way to end the feeling is to be dead rather than stay alive being tortured by what I can't understand and so desperately to find relief. I just want to die. The suicidal depressive Part grabbed an envelope opener blade, trying to stab me. At the same time, the manic egotistical Part subconsciously fought back by using all my mental power to stop my hand in mid-air from letting the blade go through my chest. I'm physically in a fight between life and death. Can you imagine me on the floor in tears holding the knife with both hands, causing my body uncontrollably locked into a predicament to stab or not to stab? Which self of me is stronger to kill me or save me from myself.
Can you envision this happening to me alone in my room, fighting with myself inside my head, and my body feels so insane, not knowing what to do with myself because I can't stop it from being held in captively by my own fractured mind and also the chemical unbalance in my brain that intensified and causes more chaotic to the situation? Don't you rather just die? Luckily, my mania always felt extremely powerful and won the battle. I stay alive by letting myself cry out for help. My psychologist was on the phone with me, and my husband rushed home from work, saving me from myself. No one is far more dangerous than leaving me alone to deal with my own mind. I'm a danger to myself in a very self-destructive way. The mental breakdown in 2014 was the breaking point that started all the madness I experienced, and this caused the exposure of my inner child that I never knew of, and finding out this left the baby very vulnerable and helpless. Because all the disconnected and burnt-out wires that once held every one, all the parts together in one system are now in a complete pile of crap, causing confusion for everyone. They react in a flight-or-fight reaction in every situation, whether small or big, which makes them always in a fight-to-survive mode coming out in an unexpected case that I unknowingly cried out for them to help. I switch like a revolving door that is beyond my control. A part took over and helped deal with that situation that I can't deal with, but the Part is in my time which is today; the present that Part doesn't know that she is here in the present time, but she is actually way back there stuck in her own time if that makes sense.
My Parts have their own feeling, ideas, and memories but their actions and behaviors are very predictable. The more each Part takes over to deal with the trauma situations, the Part's identity gets solidified and becomes more accurate, having her own feelings and thoughts and not just only a voice. If you are living with me, witnessing everything, and watching me daily, you will know me very well to help me catch it, saving us all from another dramatic episode and sleepless nights.
So did I make your mind explode yet? It's a lot to take in for you, me, and anyone. So why am I talking about all this? I don't know why I'm telling you all this, and the craziest thing is I view everything that I'm telling you as my moment of what I feel is my quiet reflection. Because now it is hushed. My mind is tranquil. The silence. I feel a little displaced, not knowing how to cope with this new stage I am presently in. From chaotic to dead silence is very scary, like always being used to having people around talking and fighting with you, but no one is there with you. All that is there is dead silence like you're somewhere in a tranquil place like a damn cemetery. I thought the voices were evil spirits that I had cast out at my last deliverance we all know as an exorcism. That experience was traumatic, scared all the parts away, and they went dormant. Only the evil spirits went away, but the parts never went away and are still all there. However, my mind is not as chaotic as it used to be. The quietness in my mind is something I am very grateful even knowing my parts are there. This is my moment of quiet reflection.
I learned that there is a critical development in the inner healing world because instead of guessing. I can try to work on intentionally engaging and systematically working with the Parts. I hope to resolve all my Parts' conflicts and spiritual assignments. Bringing them into a wholehearted loving relationship with our Father God.
All of the parts inside me are there to help protect the inner child at all costs. I haven't shared about the most bizarre and wildest way I learned to help myself when I get all twisted, so instead of going bat shit crazy. I understand how my role is to help the Parts deal with the unresolved emotional pain and traumas, but I can't let them recurrently take control of my mind and behavior. I am my true self; my parts are just there to save me when needed, but I am much stronger now, learning how to deal with the situations on my own regardless of how traumatic and stressful I can handle them without needing to switch and for a Part to take over.
