Dissociative Identity Disorder: Meet My Parts
DID was the result of my early childhood trauma, and something I once thought was an illness developed, but now I learned it is a gift from God as a way for me to fight to survive and cope with trauma by using the self-protective defense of dissociation. In movies and TV shows, switches between alternate identities tend to be wildly exaggerated for dramatic effect. Is this real? For me, switching between alters can't be identified by a casual observer. When I am switching, hardly no one can tell.
Baby: she had a near-death experience that caused the splitting of her mind, and a divided heart can create sub-divided Parts. She is called the inner child, who must be protected at all costs. She is the one who activates what Part comes out to handle the trauma or stressful situations. I can't sleep because I always hear her cry inside my head throughout the night. She was crying because what she once knew was now broken, and she didn't know what to do with her pain.
Beast: I referred to her as Beast, but she likes to be called Lion in my book. She is the protector and also a rebel. On good days she represents the fierceness of the Great Lion and protection. On bad days she loves to drink and party. She is the first one to step up and fight when in need. She gets very defensive and irritated easily. She is still living with the terrors of what happened at the church. She only knows how to get her feelings out in uncontrollable rage; sometimes, at someone, she's not even rageful. She can be very self-destructive and won't listen. She is the strong one to come out to deal with trauma or stressful situation. She feeds off the mania energy.
Lola is the dominant one, confident, a go-getter who loves to take control and can be aggressive to get things done no matter what it takes. She is motivated to do the best job she can. I often call her the director because Lola is a leader who makes the final decision. She loves to work and strived under stress. This alter comes out in the mania state. She constantly craves manic energy. She hates medications because it makes her stupid. Because of her, I am unable to consistently take medications. She can distract herself from her deeper problems like self-medicating to appear high functioning to the rest of the world. She is the one who refuses to sleep because "my job is not done." She can't settle down and doesn't make time to relax. She doesn't see herself as a wife or mother. She is tormented by the sense of loss, exposing her weakness and unable to return to being her old self. She has so much animosity from being called a "demon."
Luna is the keeper who holds the traumatic and painful memories, which she finds challenging to let go of and remain unconscious to these memories until they overwhelm her. Hence, she suppresses it all but enormously struggles when her mind consumes with racing thoughts. She carries the massive burden of having to talk about many of everyone's feelings, so she would text and write nonstop. She is a scared little girl afraid to make someone sad or angry. Coping and comforting during depression is her strength, and she usually takes over during psychotic episodes. She was the one who befriended the "boogie man" in her past childhood.
Dao: she is a people pleaser, has a gift for taking care of others, and always wants to be the "good girl" She always seeks approval. She has a hard time talking to people. She usually comes out in the most extreme life-or-death situation. She still lives in the past, constantly feeling sad and deeply hurt by something someone has said or done that she held on to and can't let go of.
Doctor: she is the analyzer who replays the memories and always gets fixated on fixing things in my mind. She can get obsessive about finding the "cure" to the point of insanity. She would do the same thing and be oblivious to the same outcome each time, which never stopped her from fixing herself. She questions everything and looks for other explanations when she is not satisfied. She has a hard time accepting treatment from my psychiatrist and psychologist.
Observer: I have a hypervigilant observing part that always expects the worst and continuously has to prepare for it. She listens to the Doctor, but she doesn't say anything. The Observer sees everything in motion from above and saves the memories for the Doctor. She is the watcher, and I feel I was two different people when she came out. I felt as if she stepped out of my body – behind it, above it, or next to it- and she watched me going through the motions. It is a weird feeling, like her being some kind of ghost. She doesn't feel anything, for that matter – because she is not the one involved. She is just there watching. Her job is to record and save the memories and then playback them for each of us to conduct a self-analysis.
There are a variety of triggers that can cause me to switch between Parts. These triggers can include trauma, stress, memories, intense emotions, senses, alcohol and substance use, special events, or specific situations. My different Parts are holding onto pieces of the puzzle that was my life. I devoted and gave everything I had to heal. All of them needed to be tended to.
